Friday, June 10, 2011

Happy Guilt - Rethinking The Ethics Of Our Own Happiness

I think it’s hard not to feel guilty about being happy, or even trying to get happier. The deep roots of our colonial predecessors still infuse our culture with an attitude of self-sacrifice for the greater good. There is something icky about spending large amounts of your time and energy working on... you. 
At the same time we are bombarded with messages of individuality. We are told that happiness is our right. We are constantly tempted by advertisers to dig in and indulge our whims. Be yourself. Find your bliss. We are all encouraged to take plenty of “me time”. 
Of course this only enflames the subtle but ever-present guilt lurking behind the flashing lights of contemporary america. When it comes to the moment of indulgence, don’t be surprised to find the disapproving ghosts of “what everyone will think” glaring at you from a corner. “We aren’t really supposed to indulge” we find ourselves thinking. We want happiness but it wouldn’t really be fair if we had it when so many go without. That’s not to say that we stop seeking it. We are humans, and seeking happiness may be hardwired in but when we do, so many of us feel guilt. 
For me, this became most difficult when I began to build community, particularly the small community of two with my fiance which will soon become a marriage. Suddenly I was not just me. I was working on a team. And when you work on a team, you understand that everything you do or fail to do has an impact on the team as a whole. Now my decision to spend the day writing angsty folk music in the backyard has a cost. I will not be spending that time cooking dinner, cleaning the house, creating shared income, or interacting to strengthen our bond. Now, instead of working on us, I’m just working on me. It feels selfish and that’s hard to ignore. 
Lucky for consciences everywhere, a bizarre but interesting trend is going on in happiness research right now. Instead of looking at what brings happiness, researchers are focusing on what happiness can bring. As it turns out being happy can help you to improve in many aspects of life including marriage, friendship, income, work performance, and health. These directional studies indicate that happiness is not just a reaction to success, it is actually a condition which creates success. Being happy is thus not just useful to you, it is useful to everyone around you. 
With this news we are suddenly struck with the reality that being happy isn’t all about us. Being happy means that we are better at our jobs. We are better friends, better lovers, and better community members. We are contributing to something far greater than just ourselves, we are contributing to happiness of everyone. If there is one thing I’ve learned from all my dabblings in happiness studies it that happiness spreads happiness. Radiate the happiness you’ve gained to everyone around you. Watch that radiate out to everyone else. 
When you light a candle, you don’t stare at the flame and wonder at it’s selfishness for hoarding all that light and energy in one concentrated spot. Rather, you focus on what the light brings, seeing that many more things are now possible. 
Happiness is quite similar. Don’t feel guilty when you have it, just use it for something good. It’s not a new message, but it’s one we need to remember if we are going to survive this stressed out modern world. 

2 comments:

  1. This is a great message Emily. I think it goes along with the idea of "working on yourself" too in a relationship. Loving other people is so much easier when you love yourself, and to love yourself you have to spend time encouraging yourself to grow and be happy!

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  2. Yes! That is so true. I want to follow up this post with another one on giving. The research right now is coming up with one repreated refrain.. the main correlates to happiness are... community involvement... and volunteerism.. giving is a pretty much sure-fire way to get happy... just ask the Weffies ;)

    Also, I can't wait for your blog to get rolling. I am excited to be able to keep track of your journey in ethiopia! (Although I can wait in that I want you to be around here for longer).

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