I wake up in the morning feeling anxious of the day. I am exhausted. My rest was long but unsatisfying. I am too hot or too cold. My throat hurts. I recall a few uncomfortable and depressing dreams. I want to slip back into sleep but not into dreaming. So, I try to clear my mind. It doesn’t work. I lay in bed for another ten minutes hoping I will simply fall back asleep. My mind races. I won’t be falling back into rest. I begin to peer up from the pillow. If I cannot fall back to sleep, I will have to start getting up. I experience dread. But, to be fair, it is never really clear what I am dreading. My laptop sits next to me on my bedside table. The inbox where stressful emails reside calls to me. What new missive will send me spiraling into a sick day? My cellphone gleams at me maniacally. “I have new missed calls!” It proudly announces. “Eight of them. Come check me!”
I sit up and pull my laptop closer. I open the email program and let my eyes skim rapidly over the “from” column. The dread begins to lift. Nothing looks too stressful. I delete the junk mail, skim the rest and sigh. There is nothing to add to my plate today. Good. But there is the phone. And I haven’t checked it.
Missed calls from creditors. I delete them before listening. I know that I can’t pay the bill. I have no income right now.
What else? I wonder. I don’t want to get up out of bed to start the day. It always feels like a timer starts when toes hit the ground. I only have so much time before I start feeling really sick. Usually I have a few hours after I wake up. On a really good day I can feel normal for five or six hours before it hits. On a normal day, I have two or three hours. I don’t want to start the timer. I want to make it to my 7pm meditation session, and that is many many hours away. I procrastinate. I fiddle with my computer. I reply to emails. I peruse my face-book feed. I write. And then I get hungry and finally, regretfully, I pull myself out of bed and start the daily task of foraging for food.
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