Getting Older, Getting Happier

People like to complain about getting old. I’m 25 and all my friends have been doing it for ages. It started to really stick out at 20, when all my friends complained that they were leaving teenage-hood behind but where still woefully unable to buy alcohol. At 22 crises began to emerge that there were “no good birthdays left” and suddenly people stopped talking so much about age. It wasn’t really in good taste to keep counting.
People like to blame all kinds of things on age; bad memory; achey limbs; wandering into a room only to find you have no no idea why you went in there. If there is one thing that stands out as a universal truth of pop culture, it’s that nobody wants to get older.

Still -- psychologists report that people actually get happier with age. For me, this has been incredibly true.

The older I get, the better my life seems to get. I find myself with new skills and talents, I never thought I would possess. Practice suddenly makes sense as I can finally see the rewards of so many repeated iterations of the same task. I have gained information. I have gained wisdom. I have gained friends and networks.

The older I get, the more knowledgeable I become. This is true in my areas of research, but also in other areas of life, where I have finally lived long enough to meaningfully comment. I am better at making friends. I am better at taking care of myself. I am better at negotiating relationships.

In undergrad, I spent some time playing Dungeons and Dragons. In D&D, and similar role-playing games, characters level. As they act, fight, cast spells, and complete tasks they gain new abilities and increase in power. Games like this have been designed to reflect our ability to grow and improve - simply by striving for our goals. I use the leveling metaphor everywhere in life. When things get challenging and you have to push hard to keep going, remember that you are leveling. When the encounter has ended, and you are catching your breath, remember to check your experience points. They have probably gone up. While aging can be challenging, we shouldn’t ignore the perks, and getting happier, more skilled and more powerful is definitely a perk.

Happy Guilt - Rethinking The Ethics Of Our Own Happiness

I think it’s hard not to feel guilty about being happy, or even trying to get happier. The deep roots of our colonial predecessors still infuse our culture with an attitude of self-sacrifice for the greater good. There is something icky about spending large amounts of your time and energy working on... you. 

At the same time we are bombarded with messages of individuality. We are told that happiness is our right. We are constantly tempted by advertisers to dig in and indulge our whims. Be yourself. Find your bliss. We are all encouraged to take plenty of “me time”. 

Of course this only enflames the subtle but ever-present guilt lurking behind the flashing lights of contemporary america. When it comes to the moment of indulgence, don’t be surprised to find the disapproving ghosts of “what everyone will think” glaring at you from a corner. “We aren’t really supposed to indulge” we find ourselves thinking. We want happiness but it wouldn’t really be fair if we had it when so many go without. That’s not to say that we stop seeking it. We are humans, and seeking happiness may be hardwired in but when we do, so many of us feel guilt. 

For me, this became most difficult when I began to build community, particularly the small community of two with my fiance which will soon become a marriage. Suddenly I was not just me. I was working on a team. And when you work on a team, you understand that everything you do or fail to do has an impact on the team as a whole. Now my decision to spend the day writing angsty folk music in the backyard has a cost. I will not be spending that time cooking dinner, cleaning the house, creating shared income, or interacting to strengthen our bond. Now, instead of working on us, I’m just working on me. It feels selfish and that’s hard to ignore. 

Lucky for consciences everywhere, a bizarre but interesting trend is going on in happiness research right now. Instead of looking at what brings happiness, researchers are focusing on what happiness can bring. As it turns out being happy can help you to improve in many aspects of life including marriage, friendship, income, work performance, and health. These directional studies indicate that happiness is not just a reaction to success, it is actually a condition which creates success. Being happy is thus not just useful to you, it is useful to everyone around you. 

With this news we are suddenly struck with the reality that being happy isn’t all about us. Being happy means that we are better at our jobs. We are better friends, better lovers, and better community members. We are contributing to something far greater than just ourselves, we are contributing to happiness of everyone. If there is one thing I’ve learned from all my dabblings in happiness studies it that happiness spreads happiness. Radiate the happiness you’ve gained to everyone around you. Watch that radiate out to everyone else. 

When you light a candle, you don’t stare at the flame and wonder at it’s selfishness for hoarding all that light and energy in one concentrated spot. Rather, you focus on what the light brings, seeing that many more things are now possible. 

Happiness is quite similar. Don’t feel guilty when you have it, just use it for something good. It’s not a new message, but it’s one we need to remember if we are going to survive this stressed out modern world.